Many parents throw aside the idea of tough love in favor of over-sheltering their kids because let’s face it, we live in a scary and harsh world. It’s natural for parents to hold those littles tightly and closely, but that helicopter approach could be damaging your child.
How do you know if you are over-sheltering?
If you’ve ever hovered at the playground to prevent your child from falling, double-checked their homework after bedtime, or stepped in to fix a problem before they even asked, you could be laying it on too thick.
“Every parent wants their child to feel safe, happy, and successful. But sometimes, those loving instincts can unintentionally hold children back.” -Marci Gabriel
Over-sheltering, or protecting children from all discomfort, disappointment, or challenge can interfere with how kids learn to handle the real world. It’s a natural impulse to protect, but when we step in too often, children miss out on learning vital life skills like problem-solving, resilience, and confidence.
This article explores what it means to over-shelter, what happens when parents are too protective, how to recognize it, and what you can do to raise capable, confident kids, especially if your child has special needs or learning differences.
What It Means to Over-Shelter
Children need protection and structure. But there’s a difference between being supportive and being overprotective.
Supportive Parenting: means encouraging independence while being emotionally available. You guide, coach, and let your child try even if they make mistakes.
Sheltering Parenting: means removing obstacles, doing tasks for them, or preventing any form of struggle.
Some common examples include:
Doing your child’s homework or fixing their project.
Intervening in every peer conflict instead of letting kids problem-solve.
Avoiding age-appropriate risks like new sports or trying out for other activities.
Making every choice for them like what they should wear, what food to eat, and friendships
In many cases, sheltering comes from parental anxiety that is from the real fear that your child will suffer, fail, or be judged. But ironically, shielding kids from life’s bumps and bruises can make those very outcomes more likely later in life.
The Research: Why Over-Sheltering Hurts
Science has a lot to say about what happens when children aren’t given space to fail or struggle.
Resilience and Coping Skills Suffer: Children develop resilience like the ability to bounce back by facing manageable challenges. When parents smooth out every difficulty, children don’t get to practice recovering from small setbacks. A 2018 study from the American Psychological Association found that children with overprotective parents were more likely to develop anxiety, depression, and difficulties regulating emotions. Without exposure to healthy challenges, their stress response systems never learn to calm down after adversity.
Delayed Independence and Self-Regulation: A 2022 study published in Developmental Psychology linked overprotective parenting with delayed emotional and behavioral self-regulation in adolescents. Children who never practice autonomy often struggle to manage frustration or make healthy choices once parental oversight lessens.
Signs You Might Be Over-Sheltering
There’s no shame in recognizing yourself in these examples because awareness is the first step toward change. Here are some signs your protective instincts might be tipping toward over-sheltering:
You step in before your child has a chance to try or struggle.
Your child often says, “I can’t” before attempting something new.
You feel intense anxiety when your child is upset or uncomfortable.
You avoid letting your child experience disappointment, frustration, or failure.
You regularly make decisions your child could make for themselves.
Teachers mention your child has difficulty self-advocating or managing tasks independently.
These signs don’t make you a bad parent. They simply mean it might be time to gently step back and let your child step forward.
The Consequences for Over-Sheltered Kids
Children who grow up overly protected may face challenges that follow them into adolescence and adulthood. This chart shows five tough consequences for kids who live with over-sheltering, also known as overparenting.
Low confidence: They doubt their ability to manage on their own.
Poor frustration tolerance: Small setbacks lead to big emotions or avoidance.
Difficulty with peers: They may expect adults to solve social conflicts or struggle with resilience after rejection.
Academic passivity: They rely on adults for direction and reassurance instead of thinking independently.
Heightened anxiety: The world feels overwhelming or unsafe because they’ve had limited practice handling discomfort. If kids never get to “test drive” independence in small ways, the real world can feel far scarier than it is. It’s your job, as a parent, to give them opportunities, within reason, to fail or fly, without your intervention.
Special Considerations for Children with Learning Differences or Special Needs
Parents of children with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or other learning differences often face a delicate balance. You naturally want to protect your child from discouragement, bullying, or sensory overwhelm. That’s why advocacy and structure are vital but so is allowing them to develop independence within their own abilities.
The truth is, sheltering these children too much can unintentionally communicate that they can’t do things for themselves. Research supports a middle path called, autonomy support. This is a space where parents guide, bridge, and encourage their children to take increasing responsibility for their own growth.
Example 1: Let a dyslexic child read aloud and praise effort, not perfection.
Example 2: Allow a child with ADHD to organize their backpack, even if it takes longer.
Example 3: Encourage a child with autism to order their own meal at a restaurant.
Each small moment of independence reinforces self-belief. The goal isn’t to remove support, it’s to adjust it as your child grows.
How Parents Can Foster Confidence and Independence
You can start creating independence right now, no matter your child’s age. Here are practical steps to help kids build confidence while still feeling supported. Start small by giving your child age-appropriate choices: which outfit to wear, what book to read, or what snack to pack. Choice-making fosters self-direction.
Encourage problem-solving. When your child faces a challenge, resist the urge to fix it. Instead, ask, “What do you think would help?” or “What’s another way we could try?” This builds problem-solving muscles and communicates trust in their ability to think.
Normalize failure. Failure isn’t the opposite of success. Failure is how we learn. Share your own stories of mistakes and what they taught you. When kids see failure as feedback, not finality, they take healthy risks.
Give responsibilities like daily chores with time management connected to them. One idea is to let them pack their own lunches, so they learn follow-through and accountability. Children thrive when they know their contributions matter, so give them a job!
Step back gradually so that your child doesn’t experience feelings of overwhelm. If your child asks for help, guide them instead of taking over. You could say, “I know you can start this, and I’ll check in when you’re done.” Gradual independence builds confidence.
Encourage safe risk-taking so that your child learns that they can do hard things. Whether it’s trying a new sport, speaking in front of a class, or inviting a new friend to play, challenge your child to stretch just beyond their comfort zone.
For neurodivergent children, independence looks different. Use visual schedules, small goals, or timers, but let them lead as much as possible. They gain a sense of control and pride in their abilities.
Model emotional regulation. Think of it this way… your calm becomes their compass. When they see you handle frustration or disappointment constructively, they learn emotional resilience by example.
You don’t have to choose between protecting your child and preparing them. The healthiest approach blends both connection with boundaries. Kids thrive when they feel both loved and trusted. Developmental psychologists call this authoritative parenting. High warmth, high expectations, and consistent support is a parenting style that is linked to better emotional health, academic performance, and confidence across cultures and ages (American Psychological Association).
The next time you feel the urge to step in, pause. Ask yourself: “Is this something my child could try on their own?” You might be surprised how capable they are when given the chance.
If you’ve ever watched your child interrupt conversations, grab a toy before asking, or melt down when told “not yet,” then you know how challenging impulse control can be. This is especially true for children with ADHD, autism, or other learning differences, but there are activities you can use to help your kids learn impulse control.
“Impulse control is a skill that takes time and consistent practice to develop, so we shouldn’t make it about good or bad behavior. Impulse control and about how a child’s brain processes information, emotions, and reward.” -Marci Gabriel
Understanding why impulsivity happens is the first step toward helping your child learn to pause, think, and choose differently. Keep reading to learn about the struggles children have with impulse control, the activities that you can use at home to help them overcome this challenge, and how ABA therapy can support you in your efforts.
Why Children Struggle with Impulse Control
The Brain’s Executive Function Is Still Developing
Impulse control is part of what psychologists, call executive function. Executive function is the brain’s management system that helps us plan, organize, and make decisions. These skills are governed by the prefrontal cortex, which continues developing well into early adulthood.
Children with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or learning disabilities often have differences in how their brains regulate dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward and motivation. This makes it harder to pause before acting or to see delayed rewards as motivating.
These neurological factors are not a reflection of willpower they’re part of brain development.
Emotional Overload and Sensory Input
Impulse control can crumble when children feel overwhelmed by noise, crowds, transitions, or emotions they don’t yet know how to express. For children with autism or sensory processing differences, environments that are too bright, loud, or unpredictable can cause the nervous system to go into “fight or flight” mode, making impulsive behaviors like shouting, running away, or hitting more likely (Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 2020).
Lack of Modeling or Practice Opportunities
Kids learn self-control by watching adults and through guided practice. When adults frequently intervene or overcorrect without teaching alternatives, children may miss the chance to develop internal control. However, impulse control can be taught through consistent, low-stress activities that build awareness, patience, and emotional regulation.
15 Activities That Help Kids Strengthen Impulse Control
1. The “Red Light, Green Light” Game:
Why it works: This classic game teaches waiting and response inhibition.
How it helps: Kids learn to pause when they hear “red light” and move only on “green light.” Add a “yellow light” for slower movement or a “blue light” for something silly (like spinning) to keep it fun and engaging.
2. “Simon Says”
Why it works: Improves focus and teaches kids to listen carefully before acting. Encourage your child to take turns being “Simon.” This develops leadership and builds awareness of rules and timing.
3. Freeze Dance
What to do: Play music and have your child dance. When the music stops, they freeze. This activity teaches body control, self-awareness, and response inhibition in a joyful, non-competitive way.
4. The Waiting Game
How it works: Practice short “wait times” during fun activities. For example, before giving a snack, say, “Let’s wait 10 seconds together.” Use a timer or count out loud. Gradually extend the waiting period as your child’s tolerance grows.
5. Storytelling for Self-Regulation
Read books where characters face temptations or challenges. We like Llama Llama Mad at Mama or What If Everybody Did That? children’s books. While reading, pause and ask: “What could they do instead?” or “How do you think they feel right now?”
This activity strengthens emotional literacy and the ability to imagine consequences before acting.
6. Breathing Breaks
Teach simple breathing exercises: “Smell the flower, blow out the candle.” Deep breathing helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming emotional reactivity (Harvard Health Publishing).
7. Practice “Stop, Think, Act”
Create a visual cue like a stop sign magnet on the fridge. When your child feels impulsive, remind them to pause and identify how they feel before acting. Over time, this becomes an internalized self-talk habit.
8. Play Turn-Taking Board Games
Games like Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, or Uno teach patience, waiting, and dealing with frustration. Don’t forget to praise your child for taking turns, following rules, or handling a loss calmly.
9. Use a Feelings Chart
Display a simple chart with faces representing emotions. Ask, “Which face are you right now?” or “What can help you move to calm?” This activity builds emotional vocabulary increases self-awareness, which supports better control over behavior.
10. Create Predictable Routines
Consistency reduces anxiety and helps children know what’s coming next. We suggest using visual schedules for neurodivergent children to lessen uncertainty and support smooth transitions.
11. Teach Mindfulness in Small Moments
Try one-minute mindfulness: “Let’s listen to every sound we can hear right now” or focus on sensations like “What does your chair feel like under you?” Mindfulness practices improve attention and impulse control in children (Journal of Applied School Psychology, 2019).
12. Practice “Do-Over” Moments
When an impulse leads to a problem, calmly say, “Let’s try that again.” Have your child re-enact the moment using self-control. This simple exercise turns mistakes into learning opportunities instead of punishments.
13. Encourage Physical Activity
Regular exercise improves dopamine regulation and executive function (American Journal of Play, 2018). Activities like martial arts, swimming, or yoga strengthen focus and self-discipline in fun ways.
14. Use Positive Reinforcement
Notice and praise small victories: “You waited your turn so patiently!” The idea is to reward effort, not perfection. Positive feedback helps wire the brain for continued self-regulation.
15. Model Calm Behavior
Children learn best by watching. Narrate your own self-control in real time: “I really wanted to yell, but I took a deep breath instead.” Modeling emotional regulation gives children a roadmap to follow.
ABA Therapy and How It Supports Impulse Control
Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is a research-based approach that helps children understand and manage their behavior through positive reinforcement and step-by-step learning. It’s especially effective for children with autism and other developmental differences.
ABA therapists use structured, supportive methods to teach impulse control, emotional regulation, communication, and social interaction. Over time, children learn to pause, make choices, and respond to situations with greater awareness and calm.
When families and schools work together, children make faster and more lasting progress. At Rockwood Prep in San Tan Valley, we believe that education isn’t just about academics it’s about helping every child grow emotionally, socially, and behaviorally.
Our programs include on-site ABA Therapy, for children who do not attend our private school. We focus on giving children individualized support to strengthen self-control, focus, and emotional regulation. Through collaboration between teachers, therapists, and parents, we reinforce what families are teaching at home by creating consistency, structure, and confidence for every child.
At our Arizona school, parents tells us daily that traditional educational models are falling short in addressing the unique needs of their neurodivergent learners and children on the autism spectrum.
Without inclusive, supportive, and individualized learning environments, young children get left behind in mainstream school settings. That’s why we offer a parent-centered approach that goes beyond traditional education.
TIP: We tell parents to follow their gut and if they don’t feel empowered, or in control, in their current situation, their child is in the wrong school.
Better Strategies for Neurodivergent Learners
There are four primary ways to provide a right-sized education for children who are neurodivergent learners. This is accomplished through small class sizes, the integration of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapies, highly trained educators, and active parental involvement.
Personalized Instruction: Teachers can right-size lessons to individual learning styles and needs, enhancing academic outcomes.
Enhanced Social Interaction: A more intimate classroom setting allows for focused social engagement, crucial for children with autism who often struggle in larger groups.
Improved Emotional Support: Teachers can build stronger relationships with each student, providing the emotional support necessary for holistic development.
Second: Integration of ABA Therapies
ABA therapy is a well-established learning method that uses behavior modification techniques to encourage positive behaviors and minimize challenging ones. Studies have shown that ABA is effective in improving emotional and social skills in children with autism spectrum disorder, or ASD.
Certified ABA therapists at Rockwood Preparatory Academy, work closely to incorporate these strategies into daily learning and reinforcing positive behaviors. For parents who choose to keep their child in a traditional school setting, we also offer ABA therapies at ABA Connections.
Third: Choose Teachers with Specialized Training
Teachers with specialized ABA therapy training use evidence-based interventions to improve classroom learning, address behavioral challenges, and create more inclusive environments for all students.
This training equips them with the skills to personalize education plans, collaborate effectively with other professionals and families, and foster positive social-emotional development through:
Enhanced Classroom Learning – ABA training allows teachers to implement strategies like discrete trial teaching, naturalistic teaching, and positive reinforcement which have been proven effective in promoting learning and skill acquisition.
Improved Focus and Attention – ABA techniques can help students develop better attention spans and focus, leading to improved academic performance.
Proactive Behavior Management – Teachers can implement strategies to prevent and manage challenging behaviors, creating a more positive and productive classroom environment.
Teaching Self-Regulation Skills – ABA training equips teachers to teach students essential self-regulation skills, such as emotional regulation, impulse control, and conflict resolution.
Individualized Support – This is especially helpful for students with diverse learning needs and is achieved by creating a more inclusive and equitable learning experience.
Promoting Social-Emotional Development – ABA principles can be used to teach social skills, communication, and emotional understanding, fostering positive social interactions and relationships.
Improving Communication Skills – ABA can help students develop and improve their communication skills, including verbal and non-verbal communication.
Enhancing Social Skills – ABA interventions can help students learn and practice social skills, such as taking turns, sharing, and interacting appropriately with others.
Increasing Independence – By teaching essential skills and providing individualized support, ABA can help students become more independent in various areas of their lives.
Parental Involvement: The Secret to Success
We believe that parents are essential partners in their child’s education. Active parental involvement leads to better educational outcomes and much-needed advocacy, especially for neurodivergent learners.
TIP: If you feel that your child’s current educational setting isn’t meeting their needs, first know your rights, then seek out support groups, and consider alternative options like Rockwood Prep to provide the tailored support your child requires to thrive.
Take the Next Step
We’re committed to creating an environment where neurodivergent learners can flourish academically, socially, and emotionally. The Rockwood Prep approach is rooted in respect, understanding, and collaboration with families.
Now it’s up to you… empower your child with an education that recognizes and nurtures their potential. Sign up for a tour today or contact us here to learn more about our programs and how we can support your family’s educational journey.
Struggling readers face many challenges that make reading feel overwhelming and daunting. These challenges may include difficulties with decoding words, poor comprehension skills, or a lack of motivation to pick up a book.
These obstacles to reading are why teachers, parents, and children often feel frustrated, embarrassed, and discouraged.
That’s why we strongly suggest that parents add a regular reading routine, at home, to help address these challenges and provide struggling readers with the support they need to improve their reading skills and build confidence.
Establishing a consistent routine that incorporates daily reading time, can create a positive and encouraging environment that promotes a love of reading.
WHAT READING EXPERTS SAY
Reading experts tell us that struggling readers need early and frequent intervention. This is all supported by research that shows that targeted support and early intervention can significantly improve outcomes for struggling readers.
Richard L. Allington, author of What Really Matters When Working with Struggling Readers, wrote, “There is good news and bad news on working with struggling readers. The good news is that we now have an essential research base demonstrating that virtually every child could be reading grade level by the end of first grade. The bad news is that almost no schools in the United States have anything in place that much looks like what the research says young children need to become engaged readers.” Some strategies that good teachers employ to help struggling readers include:
Reading and rereading familiar texts
Reading aloud with guidance
Providing students with a variety of books that they can read, understand, and enjoy
Using direct or explicit instruction
Focusing on phonemic awareness, phonics, fluency, vocabulary, and comprehension
Using inventive writing to motivate students
Using “sound stretching” to focus on phonemes
HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP
Your struggling reader will flourish with structure and an established time for reading at home, especially if this can be a shared experience with you.
Use these 11 ideas to help establish a beloved reading routine at home:
Start early: Reading aloud sessions that start in infancy lay a foundation for language acquisition, vocabulary growth, and creating a special bond between child and parent.
Create a designated reading nook: Find a corner, closet, or section of a room and deck it out with pillows, blankets, and books. So that the nook is effective, the area should feel serene and be far from other distractions.
Model reading: It doesn’t make sense to expect children to enjoy reading if they don’t see us enjoying reading. Model joyful reading by ditching screen time for more read time. The enthusiastically sharing your favorite, age-appropriate parts of the book you are reading in the car or at dinner.
Ask questions: Take time to ask your child what they are reading and what they like about their book. Reading comprehension is nothing more than understanding what’s being read, so ask questions and listen to the answers.
Audio reading: You can support your struggling reader with audiobooks. Audio books are very helpful for students with dyslexia. However, audiobooks should never replace reading a book.
Be consistent: Celebrity life coach, Tony Robbins teaches that, “Repetition is the mother of skill.” This statement couldn’t be truer for struggling readers. Make it happen parents! Your child must read every single morning or night, even if it’s for five minutes.
Celebrate progress: Don’t forget to praise your child for their efforts and improvements in reading, no matter how small. Many children thrive with a reward system, like special treats, fun activities, or even earning a sticker that’s tracked on a poster board chart.
Encourage exploration of different books: Oftentimes children get stuck in thinking that there is only one genre of book that they like. Introduce your student to a variety of book formats and genres but get their buy-in to try something new that interests them and caters to their preferred preferences.
Take advantage of everyday reading opportunities: As you take your littles to school, play date, or their next appointment read billboards and signs together as you travel along the way. You can also teach your children to read food labels and package instructions at home. Each engagement reinforces reading skills.
Send love notes: Every child enjoys receiving letters in the mail, or little notes and cards hidden strategically throughout your home.
Advocate for your student: All children deserve the opportunity to be academically successful—no matter what academic challenges they face. Make certain that they are receiving every opportunity to learn and excel at school.
So, are we in favor of a regular, non-negotiable reading routine? Absolutely!
We know that having strong decoding and reading skills helps students to build knowledge, skills, confidence, and independence. No matter what is happening (or not happening) at your school to help your struggling reader, you can make a difference by creating a systematic, consistent reading routine at home.
When it comes to being a copycat, young children are excellent students. They are watching parents, other children, and caregivers to see how we talk, react, move, and interact with others.
You probably don’t need research to tell you people learn by watching others. To reinforce this social learning theory there was a famous Bobo doll experiment demonstrated how kids imitate adult behavior.
Researchers discovered that children treated a doll the same way the adults did.
Children who watched an adult become aggressive with the doll became aggressive in their interactions too, while children who watched adults treat the doll kindly imitated the kindness.
Watch out for too much screen time. Research shown that young children watch an average of 4-6 hours a day of screen time. Surprisingly, children as young as 14 months can repeat actions that they observe by watching a video for 20 seconds!
4 Reasons Why Children Model Behavior
Children don’t just copy others’ behaviors because they don’t have anything better to do. They model others’ behaviors if:
they see a person being rewarded for their behavior. If that happens, they are more likely to model that behavior. The opposite can be true. If a child sees someone being punished for their behavior, then they will likely not imitate that same behavior.
they look up to someone who is in an authoritative position like a parent or teacher. Or they will model behavior of a celebrity or someone that they really admire.
Those they closely observe and model those are like them – those who are the same age and sex, and those who share the same interests.
they lack confidence or are unfamiliar with a situation, then they are likely to observe others to understand and mimic what they do.
Modeling Positive Behaviors Can Be Tricky
There are times that you might unknowingly model unhealthy behaviors for the young ones around you. Here are some examples of unhealthy behaviors:
Parents tell their kids to treat everyone with respect. Then they make fun of others or say critical comments about other people behind their backs.
A mother tells the cashier at a movie theater that her 12-year-old is only 11 so she can get a discount. The child learns it’s okay to be untruthful to get what you want.
A dad spends his evenings watching sports on television but tells son he doesn’t read often enough.
Parents tell their kids to share and be generous with what they have, yet they never make donations or get involved in any type of volunteer work.
A divorced couple argues all the time about money, custody issues, and visitation, but they expect their children never to quarrel.
A father tells his kids that they should eat healthily, but he sneaks candy after they go to bed.
A mother tells her daughter to be kind to others, but she yells at the store clerk when the store refuses to take back an item she tries to return.
Take a Walk on the Positive Side
Watching other people cooperate, share, take turns and demonstrate generosity can teach children to exemplify those behaviors too.
Michigan State University Extension has some tips on how to ensure your child has opportunities to witness and experience modeling in a positive way.
Be intentional about your child’s surroundings. Do your best to surround your children with constructive models and situations where positive behaviors are reinforced. If there are places, people or activities that model negative or worrisome behavior, work to find more positive situations for your child.
Notice the positive. When it comes to child behavior, you will often get more of the behaviors you are noticing. Point out positive behaviors in your child and in others, provide reinforcement and talk about them with your child. Catch your child being good!
Limit or eliminate exposure to negative influences. Violent or aggressive television shows, movies, games, or activities are teaching your child. Even interactions with other children and adults can prove to be a negative modeling experience for your child. When possible, limit or eliminate these experiences and work to provide more positive models for your child. When in doubt, think of your child doing exactly what they are observing and ask yourself if you would be proud of that behavior. If the answer is “no,” you may be helping your child learn a lesson you don’t want them to know.
Talk about it. When a situation cannot be avoided or a child witnesses negative modeling behavior, think of it as a teachable moment. You can talk to your child about what constitutes acceptable and helpful behavior, what it looks like and why the negative behaviors are not acceptable. Children not only learn from watching, but listening too.
Do as you say. You are your child’s first and most important teacher. They are watching and learning from you each and every day, whether or not you intend to teach them. Show them kindness and love, model compassion and helpfulness and teach them positive ways of interacting with people and the world around them. SOURCE: Michigan State University Research
Be sure to follow the rules that you set for your child. Children have difficulty understanding how a rule can be broken “sometimes” by an adult without the adult receiving punishment. So, when we try to discipline a child for breaking a rule we have set, we are likely to get some push back.
Show children, don’t just tell them. Often children don’t understand or know how to do what we are telling them to do. Also, no one likes to be lectured. So, the next time something needs to be done, take a moment to show the them what you would like them to do.
TIP: It is important as the adults that we try our best not to reflect own anxiety and depression on children. It is too easy for our children to pick up and model anxiety, and depression. See help for you and your child if you struggle managing depression and anxiety.
Take time now to remember that we can create a life worth emulating to our young people. Start by taking a moment every day to think about what we specifically want our kids to learn and try to model.
